Pathetic little shits at 10:23 PM

I love how some days bring out the best in people, how simply heartless and insensitive they are, so soaked in the putrification of mass media and their own self-centered day dreams, so much so they can't see that they are drowning in a sea of emptiness and loneliness that knows no end.

I have never met a person that comes even close to fathoming the pain I feel, standing in a sea of people who don't care about anyone but themselves, and yet they can't understand why they feel so alone. The jaded sexist misogynistic sycophants are the worst of these, puffing up their ego constant and inflating their egos with a void of meaningless thoughts, both women and men fill this category no excuses no "but I'm different then them!". They all say the same things while running to nowhere.

I have been reduced to a muttering wreck because all that the people around wish to do is manipulate me and I'm trying to so hard to thing for myself but can't because people and their opinions on all the useless drivel they can think of is screaming to head, I now understand why so many have put a bullet through their heads, its all just a game of cat and mouse with my sanity.

Alas what's the point? for life in general is worthless and people spend their entire life lying to themselves that they actually mean something in the world, sadly its just a huge combine harvesting what is beneficial to it and killing the rest.

Nothing ever works at 7:24 PM

I came to know a remarkable woman in my fall semester of 2010, For a time I had ignored her and I feel bad forever now for it. We became close, and eventually it blossomed into a healthy relationship. I made a few pitfalls, like one day I confused her with bad directions while we were headed to a convention, needless to say she was very upset, and again it pains me to the core that I did that to her. We awkwardly made our way through the year I made physical advance, like any man would, but she didn't seem extremely worried about them. I never am sure in these situations what to do, since I myself have limited experience, I found myself trying to do this simple things for her to ease her pain. She didn't let me.

I knew from shortly after the time I met her family that they did not have any respect for her or her desires for her future. I tried to support her in every way that I could. For the most part, the summer went well we seemed to be doing ok, a few odd occurrences where she had to help me.

We made it all the way into the Christmas season and things were becoming tense, though not because of me exactly, her whole family was coming to town. I knew it was very important to her, especially seeing her brother and sister. I seemed to be out of place, I did my best to be come and polite to everyone, including her. Sometime after that I came over one day to just drop a cookie I had made especially for her, it was really big and took an entire plate to carry. I figured it might cheer her up, unfortunately when I got there, the family had already made plans, I didn't want to intrude, but her father ended up asking me if I wanted to see a movie with the my then girlfriend, I of course in my right mind would never refuse the invitation to spend time with her. Her step brother asked me what movie would be a good choice, and I suggested a movie, but that wasn't to my girlfriends liking, and she brooded over it the rest of the day, I felt guilty for intruding yet again, and I told her I was sorry, and all she needed to do was tell me that she wanted to go with her family and that I should go home, I would have had no quarrel with it anyways. It felt like after that happened she started avoiding me based on assumptions she had made about me. It didn't really bother me at the time, but when something is going wrong in a relationship, silence is like ringing in the ears. I lashed out verbally about exactly how I felt about her parents treatment of her, and if she kept listening to them how she would grow up to be nothing more then a puppet. What I said must have struck a cord of truth because from then on she couldn't look me in the eyes. I told her "one day you'll regret it." and this was of course assumed as a threat on her life, by none other then her parents.

So now I sit waiting for the answers to a simple question, that may never come.

I am quickly losing faith in this world, its lackluster existence, everyone scratching about in their greed hollowing out anyone who might stand between them and avarice. Money is to much of on object, it binds even me with unfair circumstance.

All I want is to feel alive for this incredibly limited time I have on this earth.

Growing up at 9:36 AM

Life has been rather interesting of late, national economy sinking, earthquakes everywhere, stupid school antics. I was under the assumption most of my life that I should listen to other people and not choose for myself, but unfortunately that's not how the world works. I've been called selfish, cruel, deceiving, and stupid (but calling me deceptive completely negates the latter).

All I really care about is what is important solely to me and no one else, that doesn't mean I ignore other people or what they want but we live in a society of survivalists (e.i. if you don't keep your wits about you and your above the torrent of peer pressures you in essence die to yourself).

As a early teenager nothing made sense. Bodily changes, social awkwardness, family—all complicated my frame of mind. People like to sugar coat the idea but the only true way to learn something is to fail at it first and learn from your mistakes so that you do not repeat them. I failed so badly in my first love, I gave everything away kept nothing for myself and in the end was left hanging by a noose. So it makes it very obvious why I do not put others first in my life.

I don't really get angry anymore just annoyed which in turn eventually turns to complete apathy. I never strove to be part of a click or a group because I never really needed people in the first place, not mention all the fair-weather friends.

The Fantasy at 8:57 PM

I'm not a doctor or any expert but I know for a fact that spending to much time fantasizing about someone will turn a healthy relationship into a very unhealthy one. The whole thing with fantasy is that its not real. Just like spending to much time indoors causes your body to become unhealthy, culminating things over in your mind to much with do the same thing. It will end up showing the most in the bed of a lover especially when you think about them way to much. It puts your ideal standards way to high and your loved one can never meet up to them. Relationships are about seeing people for who they are, when someone becomes an object they lose all meaning. The whole point of a girl being mysterious till the end is what makes it so cool. And if you don't spend so much time thinking about what's under her clothes, when you do see what's underneath you can be happily surprised :3

Mayhem!!!! at 6:04 PM

It was fucking amazing. I heard about it at 12:30am and was exstatic. I arrived late around 1:30ish and met up with John and got my ticket. From there I went to the second stage where Whitechapel came out with guns blazing!! It was an awesome start to an amazing day! I had never heard of them before Mayhem but they were freaking awesome!!! Job For A Cowboy came next and they were just as bad ass! I got in the mosh pit for a bit. But the real highlight of my day was the Polish metal masters Behemoth. They were the best musically wise. The opened it up with Slaves Shall Serve and the mosh pit was a riot for a while.


Not long after I got in line and got a photo with them ^_^ it was living the dream! I will remember for a very long time :)


All That Remains played not long after and put on a fucking killer show of love their singers' sense of humor. "I see a bunch of pussies, no wait its raining so your a bunch of wet pussies! now fucking and form a motherfucking pit!" I also liked their bassist :D

after a brief hiatus to stop by and say hello to Killswitch engage and shake their hands I moved toward the main stage where the tech crew was preparing for Bullet For My Valentines opening act. I have know complaints they were fucking insane!!! The guitars solos were excruciatingly crazy and they played even heavier live then on the CD's.

Killswitch Engage single handed stole the show with the pyrotechnics and awesome performances the played all my favorite songs and then some @.@ its was unbelievable. The wall of death form during Rose of Shayrn like I've never seen :D Holy Diver was insane because they made the solos even more crazy then normal :D

Slayer wasn't all that bad but they had long songs and didn't interact with the crowd as much as the past 2 bands did but over all fucking awesome \m/

Marilyn Manson was another of the days surprises. Keeping us on the edge of our seats with We're From America the intro was fucking awsome! I heard quite a few of my favorite songs including The Dope Show, Antichrist Superstar, and The Beautiful People. He by far put on the best show with insane lighting and good crowd involvement :D this day was the best :)

Amber at 7:44 PM

The wait seems like forever my heart feels like its an endless endeavor.

The weather is in upheaval the flowers can’t make up there minds.

Her temper is like the cycle of the seasons for me it has no rime or reason.

It’s such a bitter little flower that I look upon with such love.

It’s pain and fear writ alight its blossom like the smear of teary eyed mascara.

The sweet violence that she breeds in my mind I love and keep.

In the watch tower of my heart lie quiet with the clockwork of each passing day.

The inner workings of my soul like a huge tower ominous and empty wishing to filled.

It’s hollowness rings of loneliness of an emptiness that few ever know.

Her face never leaves me through all storms and fires.

She is the only one whose pain I hear for her all my soul holds dear.

She cuts through the air like the sound of thunder but has touch of a gentle breeze.

For her I would give up my own body just to see a smile dance across her tired eyes.

I would wait a thousand years just to hear that voice. I would wait for all eternity.

sometimes.......... at 6:18 PM

Why is it that my mind can be so strong and yet my body so weak? In my heart of hearts I am never really shaken by much but my body gives in so easily. It's not that its frail just weak. Right now I wish I could pass some of the clarity I have to those I care about most but its a physical impossibility.... I don't know what to do..... I just wish I could make them feel better.

Introversion at 4:25 PM

Life life life..................who lives it anymore? barely anybody really because everyone is trying to copy everyone else...its the stupidest most vicious cycle known to man. Individuality check people?????? What happened to being happy with yourself? and being proud of who you are? I would love to hear otherwise. Everyone is trying to fit in some label or get rid of one o_O and trends I mean come on! we just copying what came before us the retro stuff of the 60's, 70's and 80's is just being reapplied to a newer crowd. Are clothing is a great example none of it is really new its just variations on a patterns that may be even 20 years old, while America is unsteady about this subject you will notice that European cars have changed little since the the 50's slowly just building and adding on to what they already have, trust me this repetition gets old. I don't dress for a label atleast not anymore because the whole label criterion is a bunch of BS and it to quickly stereotyping people and never giving a chance at individuality. I can say that making up your own outfits out of different elements is fun and its awsome because its you! but even better when you actually make your own designs and create something because its like art nobody will make something like it(though they may try to copy it). So for all those lonely ones out there be happy with yourself stop depend on the world around you for approval think for yourself!

Shadowchild at 9:00 PM

Abuse.....how to define it?.......Guilt...where does it come from? It has always perplexed me what its like inside an abusive persons mind but then its something very simple, they think they control everything now mind its not just adults here I'm talking about kids too. It's in every layer of our culture and for many of us in our on homes.....hallways......bedrooms....the very fact is though that guilt and abuse often go hand in hand. This often happens with parents who didn't have good moral and physical boundaries as children and thus the really don't know anything better or even whats to far, its sad because some of them don't have a choice.

Worst of all is mental abuse because though it does not invade a person body it invades the mind, and in my observation the mind is the most fragile. I seen this in about 3 different cases one happens to be very close to me, what happens when someone is physically abused is much different then when the abuse is only targeted at the person's mind. A big factor in all of this is that it takes much longer to take over someones mind than there body. The end result being that the victim is completely helpless and even when they torn down they still come running back. Its hurts me some much to be in some of these situations because most of the time the victims don't even realize they are the victims, because it has gone on for so long that they can't ever remember thinking for themselves.

Lucky for some of us we grew up in families with heads on there bodies and treated us like normal growing children and adolescents. But the sad fact is for every child that grows in a healthy family there are 6 more children that grow up in an dangerous home.

for example in the US alone

• An estimated 906,000 children are victims of abuse & neglect every year. The rate of victimization is 12.3 children per 1,000 children

• Children ages 0-3 are the most likely to experience abuse. About 1 in 50 U.S. infants are victims of nonfatal child abuse or neglect in a year, according to the first national study of the problem in that age group done by the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention along with The Federal Administration for Children and Families.

• 1,500 children die every year from child abuse and neglect. That is just over 4 fatalities every day.

• 79% of the children killed are younger than 4.
  
  The consequences of this:
  

• 80% of young adults who had been abused met the diagnostic criteria for at least 1 psychiatric disorder at the age of 21 (including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, & post-traumatic stress disorder)

• Abused children are 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy

• 1/3 of abused and neglected children will eventually victimize their own children
  
  So if anybody thinks that this doesn't mean anything that they should be shot. It needs to stop but at the rate of down fall in our world today there is nothing we can do but save as many as we can and hope for the best.
  

Highschool never ends at 5:10 PM

I know that this is pretty easy to figure out but hehe still it's true. It's funny we always revert back to what we learned as a child even though we don't realize it or want to acknowledge it. All me life people around especially family haven't changed in my 18 and a half years of minuscule existence they may have matures in the mannerisms but deep down they've never changed and sometimes I think about my life and realize that all things that I want are so simple...it surprises me, even more so that it is a stereotypical thing its called loving someone and having them return it back and I've been like that since I was a tiny child because for reason I never quite felt loved, I always felt distant like I was never part of what I was doing. I watch the people around me grow up and they're either chasing the same dreams or completely gave up on them. Is everyone that uncertain? are we really that weak? I don't know what's going in this world but people are giving away there hopes, dreams, and even their very lives. Cynical isn't the word I hopeless is more like it.....fit in or get out and its sad that this the slogan for almost the whole world from america to india the world sells it self on looks and beauty nothing more.

Antithesis at 10:17 AM

We all seem so monochromatic
So senseless and over dramatic
We never examine our world to see all its facets.
Hide behind these paper walls
We sacrifice ourselves just like a doll.
The very thing we create is the one thing we hate.
Giving our souls to a thought and a pose
Never quite realizing that it is ourselves were surmising
We have lost our souls and with them control.
What has happened to the days in fields of grass were we laid
Staring at the stars in their great cosmic fray
Of lost summers and bitter lovers.
We have forsaken these days of our lives
Trading them in for the fame and the lies
We have forsaken the beauty of our childhood and the freedom we once had.
We are no longer true to ourselves we have lost our hearts
Were stuck in some padded room wondering why we fell apart.
We no longer love ourselves and think for ourselves
We are no more than empty shells
In this world that has become our own personal living hell.
We have truly become the very thing we hate.

Demons at 6:20 PM

You and me, we're the same
Asking for more
More than the numbing existence
Offered us all
What did they say? What did they do?
To make you crawl back here
Despite everything that you've been through
You're still right here
Where I left you
We can lift up our heads to the sky
Find all of those strings that they're pulling
And keep from falling back
into our old rhythmic poses
Turning us into machines

And one of these days we'll no longer betray
Ourselves in anyway
We won't all look the same way down
And one of these days we'll no longer betray
Ourselves in anyway
Then we'll all take the same way out

And all these illusions
Dropped on a sea of believers
Crowding around as they hunt me down
And throw me out
While all the rest of the others
Bang their heads in the trenches

And one of these days we'll no longer betray
Ourselves in anyway
We won't all look the same way down
And one of these days we'll no longer betray
Ourselves in anyway
Then we'll all take the same way out
So don't give up on me
We can be still pretend
This is all just a game
That'll work itself out in the end

I Know at 2:16 PM

I always wonder why children these days are so shallow like a part of their brain is missing, The real eye opener lies just below the surface. We live in a world of mass consumerism, children of this place in time are constantly bombarded by media selling products and pushing trends but what we do see is how children take this in.
I know that I as an adult connect all the things going in the world around me like the wars and cultural shifts and political affairs while I know that as a child I saw thing more like a slide show seeing things as focused parts, separate, detached like seeing a fight but not know why its going on, where as now I see what happens and what starts thing and what the connections are.
Children right now are bombarded with an insistent barrage of commercials and media, in its own way the children are turning into puppets of what the watch and here because that is the lens they look at the world through. Girls are changed the most by this as even the most subtle things in the shows that we let them watch, take for example the classic fairytale story of the handsome Prince saving the beautiful princess and the fact that the princess is always beautiful not matter where the story is being told, in a subliminal way is programming into their heads that in order to be loved or noticed they must be beautiful or pretty and that is where the marketeers and media come so heavily into play, pushing the idea that you must wear this or buy this in order for them to be beautiful e.g. sexy. even though I do not have the complete ability to explain this in more detail it I wish to for it worries me deeply, how will I ever protect my children.......

Tell me when to breathe at 12:34 PM

Silence, in all human minds it doesn't exist we're always thinking

and always speaking to ourselves subconciously.

We talk to ourselves so we don't feel alone.

Who can really say, some of us are just alone in this world.

People just can't understand us.

I protect what I love but I feel lonely out here

in this sleeping town of lost children and distraught teenagers.

The only comfort I have is myself,

I don't know where my life is going but I don't care as long as I find happiness.

Subconsciously yours at 8:44 PM

Love and all it entail wrenching at our hearts so destined to fail.

This heart hurting to feel even the slightest bit of it.

Then she walked in front of me her hair flitting on the breeze

One word from her could have brought me to my knees

Walking there with her quiet little smile

leaving me breathless all the while.

Nothing in that moment mattered to me,

Just all the beauty I could see.

Something was missing she smiles but I only feel emptiness

Something was troubling her, it was in her eyes

She was staring at her shoes

Then she looked up and her eyes met mine

She looked away and then she sighed

Then I knew this something was a boy

Maybe she'd loved him but that had died

She's always there right front of me

But I always need what I don't want

and want what I can't have

And so must my love lay with who I love

and not with who I see.

Lost Control at 5:49 PM

I can't believe it's been a year

Since I kissed my fears

On the salty lips and said to them

I love you--Bye (Bye)

Give way to the weight that's dragging and pulling through me now

I've got something to say

About the last twelve months I've lived

I'm not the same kid

I was when I was younger

I just thought you should know

I take a pill every day

To help me deal with life

And oh my God

I'm lost, I'm told

I stare at accidents in a sick attempt to feel at home

Give way to the weight that's dragging and pulling through me now

I've got something to sayAbout the family that I've lostI hope my mother and father think that they raised a healthy boy

Who needs the help of a shrink

To even leave the house

And oh my god

I'm lost, I'm told

I stare at accidents in a sick attempt to feel at home

I'm not the same kid

I was when I was younger

I just thought you should know

I'm not the same kid

I was when I was younger

I just thought you

I just thought you should know

Give it away to the weight that's dragging and pulling through me now

And now, and now, it's finding it's way and making it's way to let go

I can't believe it's been a year

Since I kissed my fears

On the salty lips and said to them

I loved you

Just follow

The pain and swallow

Too hard to swallow them

Down your throat

Too hard to swallow (I have to swallow)

The pain follows (The pain, it follows) And this is what I feel

Down your throat

My best friend is a man

With a lab coat, entering

I hold my shaking hand

And it gives me medicine

I hope this makes me feel at home

But they slowly steal my soul

I tell him I still feel alone"Don't worry someday I promise you will feel at home"

Patron Saint of Lost Causes at 5:30 PM

For all those children who've had their dreams crushed by their own parents, I feel them.
We live in a society were the individual doesn't matter. We get ourselves mowed down by the world and many of us don't get back up.

I know my acts of revenge are almost invisible to the people who wronged me but it hurts them all the same. The guilt is gone, I need to live my life and not give a thought to what people really think of me. I learned through all the turmoil of late that I'm smart, beautiful, and intelligent. So even when people try as they may to tear me down it just flies past me like a miss aimed cannon shot. I still have no idea where my inner strength comes from, nor do I care. I care only that I'm happy and I living my own life.

Blood has marked my life for years and it still does, blood of fallen and dead friends. It is not a stain that I can ever destroy. They remind me how cruel the world is and how even my own family can be so empty and abased. People forever call me selfish but I put myself above all others unless I think I can help someone.

The song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield pretty much sums up how I think. who are you to tell me what I am or what I want? you can't see what I see or hear what I hear. So before people start trying to walk over me about not having a vision....they're sorrily mistaken.
It's funny that given the right situation I could probably do some really amazing stuff.

Fore many years this picture states what I felt like but now I'm happy and ready to get on with my life.

Tainted Angels at 8:15 PM

Transparency alight on the wings of the night

We will play with thing called a human life,

Fueled always by their greed and their lust

Fighting and warring until all is dust.

Down we fly,

By our swords they die

Leaving them horrified and dismayed

The ages past in they're minds have greyed,

Of days long past were nothing could touch the angels

On their wings of alabaster white

Taking forth Gods' vengence in the dark of the night.

Until lucifer turned away and dragged the angels into the frey,

Now they are bound to the earth until the very last day,

Waiting upon their creators' final bid farwell

As they will forever burn in hell.

Am I alittle sick or alittle sane? at 7:30 PM

My life and family have never supported me about my dreams and at this point I don't care to tell them. My dream is to learn as much as I can about the world and about children. As far as things for myself I want a house in the countryside and I want to make a club for teens to hang out in.

It's been a dream to make and run a bar(minus the alcohol) for teens, somewhere that the local kids can come and hang out in, without having to worry about having strangers around them, most of all adults.
I also wanted to get local bands and even professional booking there so there is a good variety of music.

Basically it's something I never had in my teen years and I think it would be a good way to give to the teens of the next generation.

I don't have a business plan yet, but I'm working on it ^-^

but who knows? it's just a dream.

Bitterness at 2:33 PM

For the all shit that pulled on me every single day,

Just gives me another excuse to blow them away.

For all the hatred and all the pain,

they are the ones who are to blame.

For the noxious remarks and hateful disdain,

for the inadequacy and the stains,

for putrid lies and bitterness,

they will never succeed,

I will make the bleed......

for every last thing they did to me.