sometimes.......... at 6:18 PM

Why is it that my mind can be so strong and yet my body so weak? In my heart of hearts I am never really shaken by much but my body gives in so easily. It's not that its frail just weak. Right now I wish I could pass some of the clarity I have to those I care about most but its a physical impossibility.... I don't know what to do..... I just wish I could make them feel better.

Introversion at 4:25 PM

Life life life..................who lives it anymore? barely anybody really because everyone is trying to copy everyone else...its the stupidest most vicious cycle known to man. Individuality check people?????? What happened to being happy with yourself? and being proud of who you are? I would love to hear otherwise. Everyone is trying to fit in some label or get rid of one o_O and trends I mean come on! we just copying what came before us the retro stuff of the 60's, 70's and 80's is just being reapplied to a newer crowd. Are clothing is a great example none of it is really new its just variations on a patterns that may be even 20 years old, while America is unsteady about this subject you will notice that European cars have changed little since the the 50's slowly just building and adding on to what they already have, trust me this repetition gets old. I don't dress for a label atleast not anymore because the whole label criterion is a bunch of BS and it to quickly stereotyping people and never giving a chance at individuality. I can say that making up your own outfits out of different elements is fun and its awsome because its you! but even better when you actually make your own designs and create something because its like art nobody will make something like it(though they may try to copy it). So for all those lonely ones out there be happy with yourself stop depend on the world around you for approval think for yourself!

Shadowchild at 9:00 PM

Abuse.....how to define it?.......Guilt...where does it come from? It has always perplexed me what its like inside an abusive persons mind but then its something very simple, they think they control everything now mind its not just adults here I'm talking about kids too. It's in every layer of our culture and for many of us in our on homes.....hallways......bedrooms....the very fact is though that guilt and abuse often go hand in hand. This often happens with parents who didn't have good moral and physical boundaries as children and thus the really don't know anything better or even whats to far, its sad because some of them don't have a choice.

Worst of all is mental abuse because though it does not invade a person body it invades the mind, and in my observation the mind is the most fragile. I seen this in about 3 different cases one happens to be very close to me, what happens when someone is physically abused is much different then when the abuse is only targeted at the person's mind. A big factor in all of this is that it takes much longer to take over someones mind than there body. The end result being that the victim is completely helpless and even when they torn down they still come running back. Its hurts me some much to be in some of these situations because most of the time the victims don't even realize they are the victims, because it has gone on for so long that they can't ever remember thinking for themselves.

Lucky for some of us we grew up in families with heads on there bodies and treated us like normal growing children and adolescents. But the sad fact is for every child that grows in a healthy family there are 6 more children that grow up in an dangerous home.

for example in the US alone

• An estimated 906,000 children are victims of abuse & neglect every year. The rate of victimization is 12.3 children per 1,000 children

• Children ages 0-3 are the most likely to experience abuse. About 1 in 50 U.S. infants are victims of nonfatal child abuse or neglect in a year, according to the first national study of the problem in that age group done by the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention along with The Federal Administration for Children and Families.

• 1,500 children die every year from child abuse and neglect. That is just over 4 fatalities every day.

• 79% of the children killed are younger than 4.
  
  The consequences of this:
  

• 80% of young adults who had been abused met the diagnostic criteria for at least 1 psychiatric disorder at the age of 21 (including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, & post-traumatic stress disorder)

• Abused children are 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy

• 1/3 of abused and neglected children will eventually victimize their own children
  
  So if anybody thinks that this doesn't mean anything that they should be shot. It needs to stop but at the rate of down fall in our world today there is nothing we can do but save as many as we can and hope for the best.
  

Highschool never ends at 5:10 PM

I know that this is pretty easy to figure out but hehe still it's true. It's funny we always revert back to what we learned as a child even though we don't realize it or want to acknowledge it. All me life people around especially family haven't changed in my 18 and a half years of minuscule existence they may have matures in the mannerisms but deep down they've never changed and sometimes I think about my life and realize that all things that I want are so simple...it surprises me, even more so that it is a stereotypical thing its called loving someone and having them return it back and I've been like that since I was a tiny child because for reason I never quite felt loved, I always felt distant like I was never part of what I was doing. I watch the people around me grow up and they're either chasing the same dreams or completely gave up on them. Is everyone that uncertain? are we really that weak? I don't know what's going in this world but people are giving away there hopes, dreams, and even their very lives. Cynical isn't the word I hopeless is more like it.....fit in or get out and its sad that this the slogan for almost the whole world from america to india the world sells it self on looks and beauty nothing more.

Antithesis at 10:17 AM

We all seem so monochromatic
So senseless and over dramatic
We never examine our world to see all its facets.
Hide behind these paper walls
We sacrifice ourselves just like a doll.
The very thing we create is the one thing we hate.
Giving our souls to a thought and a pose
Never quite realizing that it is ourselves were surmising
We have lost our souls and with them control.
What has happened to the days in fields of grass were we laid
Staring at the stars in their great cosmic fray
Of lost summers and bitter lovers.
We have forsaken these days of our lives
Trading them in for the fame and the lies
We have forsaken the beauty of our childhood and the freedom we once had.
We are no longer true to ourselves we have lost our hearts
Were stuck in some padded room wondering why we fell apart.
We no longer love ourselves and think for ourselves
We are no more than empty shells
In this world that has become our own personal living hell.
We have truly become the very thing we hate.

Demons at 6:20 PM

You and me, we're the same
Asking for more
More than the numbing existence
Offered us all
What did they say? What did they do?
To make you crawl back here
Despite everything that you've been through
You're still right here
Where I left you
We can lift up our heads to the sky
Find all of those strings that they're pulling
And keep from falling back
into our old rhythmic poses
Turning us into machines

And one of these days we'll no longer betray
Ourselves in anyway
We won't all look the same way down
And one of these days we'll no longer betray
Ourselves in anyway
Then we'll all take the same way out

And all these illusions
Dropped on a sea of believers
Crowding around as they hunt me down
And throw me out
While all the rest of the others
Bang their heads in the trenches

And one of these days we'll no longer betray
Ourselves in anyway
We won't all look the same way down
And one of these days we'll no longer betray
Ourselves in anyway
Then we'll all take the same way out
So don't give up on me
We can be still pretend
This is all just a game
That'll work itself out in the end

I Know at 2:16 PM

I always wonder why children these days are so shallow like a part of their brain is missing, The real eye opener lies just below the surface. We live in a world of mass consumerism, children of this place in time are constantly bombarded by media selling products and pushing trends but what we do see is how children take this in.
I know that I as an adult connect all the things going in the world around me like the wars and cultural shifts and political affairs while I know that as a child I saw thing more like a slide show seeing things as focused parts, separate, detached like seeing a fight but not know why its going on, where as now I see what happens and what starts thing and what the connections are.
Children right now are bombarded with an insistent barrage of commercials and media, in its own way the children are turning into puppets of what the watch and here because that is the lens they look at the world through. Girls are changed the most by this as even the most subtle things in the shows that we let them watch, take for example the classic fairytale story of the handsome Prince saving the beautiful princess and the fact that the princess is always beautiful not matter where the story is being told, in a subliminal way is programming into their heads that in order to be loved or noticed they must be beautiful or pretty and that is where the marketeers and media come so heavily into play, pushing the idea that you must wear this or buy this in order for them to be beautiful e.g. sexy. even though I do not have the complete ability to explain this in more detail it I wish to for it worries me deeply, how will I ever protect my children.......

Tell me when to breathe at 12:34 PM

Silence, in all human minds it doesn't exist we're always thinking

and always speaking to ourselves subconciously.

We talk to ourselves so we don't feel alone.

Who can really say, some of us are just alone in this world.

People just can't understand us.

I protect what I love but I feel lonely out here

in this sleeping town of lost children and distraught teenagers.

The only comfort I have is myself,

I don't know where my life is going but I don't care as long as I find happiness.

Subconsciously yours at 8:44 PM

Love and all it entail wrenching at our hearts so destined to fail.

This heart hurting to feel even the slightest bit of it.

Then she walked in front of me her hair flitting on the breeze

One word from her could have brought me to my knees

Walking there with her quiet little smile

leaving me breathless all the while.

Nothing in that moment mattered to me,

Just all the beauty I could see.

Something was missing she smiles but I only feel emptiness

Something was troubling her, it was in her eyes

She was staring at her shoes

Then she looked up and her eyes met mine

She looked away and then she sighed

Then I knew this something was a boy

Maybe she'd loved him but that had died

She's always there right front of me

But I always need what I don't want

and want what I can't have

And so must my love lay with who I love

and not with who I see.

Lost Control at 5:49 PM

I can't believe it's been a year

Since I kissed my fears

On the salty lips and said to them

I love you--Bye (Bye)

Give way to the weight that's dragging and pulling through me now

I've got something to say

About the last twelve months I've lived

I'm not the same kid

I was when I was younger

I just thought you should know

I take a pill every day

To help me deal with life

And oh my God

I'm lost, I'm told

I stare at accidents in a sick attempt to feel at home

Give way to the weight that's dragging and pulling through me now

I've got something to sayAbout the family that I've lostI hope my mother and father think that they raised a healthy boy

Who needs the help of a shrink

To even leave the house

And oh my god

I'm lost, I'm told

I stare at accidents in a sick attempt to feel at home

I'm not the same kid

I was when I was younger

I just thought you should know

I'm not the same kid

I was when I was younger

I just thought you

I just thought you should know

Give it away to the weight that's dragging and pulling through me now

And now, and now, it's finding it's way and making it's way to let go

I can't believe it's been a year

Since I kissed my fears

On the salty lips and said to them

I loved you

Just follow

The pain and swallow

Too hard to swallow them

Down your throat

Too hard to swallow (I have to swallow)

The pain follows (The pain, it follows) And this is what I feel

Down your throat

My best friend is a man

With a lab coat, entering

I hold my shaking hand

And it gives me medicine

I hope this makes me feel at home

But they slowly steal my soul

I tell him I still feel alone"Don't worry someday I promise you will feel at home"

Patron Saint of Lost Causes at 5:30 PM

For all those children who've had their dreams crushed by their own parents, I feel them.
We live in a society were the individual doesn't matter. We get ourselves mowed down by the world and many of us don't get back up.

I know my acts of revenge are almost invisible to the people who wronged me but it hurts them all the same. The guilt is gone, I need to live my life and not give a thought to what people really think of me. I learned through all the turmoil of late that I'm smart, beautiful, and intelligent. So even when people try as they may to tear me down it just flies past me like a miss aimed cannon shot. I still have no idea where my inner strength comes from, nor do I care. I care only that I'm happy and I living my own life.

Blood has marked my life for years and it still does, blood of fallen and dead friends. It is not a stain that I can ever destroy. They remind me how cruel the world is and how even my own family can be so empty and abased. People forever call me selfish but I put myself above all others unless I think I can help someone.

The song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield pretty much sums up how I think. who are you to tell me what I am or what I want? you can't see what I see or hear what I hear. So before people start trying to walk over me about not having a vision....they're sorrily mistaken.
It's funny that given the right situation I could probably do some really amazing stuff.

Fore many years this picture states what I felt like but now I'm happy and ready to get on with my life.

Tainted Angels at 8:15 PM

Transparency alight on the wings of the night

We will play with thing called a human life,

Fueled always by their greed and their lust

Fighting and warring until all is dust.

Down we fly,

By our swords they die

Leaving them horrified and dismayed

The ages past in they're minds have greyed,

Of days long past were nothing could touch the angels

On their wings of alabaster white

Taking forth Gods' vengence in the dark of the night.

Until lucifer turned away and dragged the angels into the frey,

Now they are bound to the earth until the very last day,

Waiting upon their creators' final bid farwell

As they will forever burn in hell.

Am I alittle sick or alittle sane? at 7:30 PM

My life and family have never supported me about my dreams and at this point I don't care to tell them. My dream is to learn as much as I can about the world and about children. As far as things for myself I want a house in the countryside and I want to make a club for teens to hang out in.

It's been a dream to make and run a bar(minus the alcohol) for teens, somewhere that the local kids can come and hang out in, without having to worry about having strangers around them, most of all adults.
I also wanted to get local bands and even professional booking there so there is a good variety of music.

Basically it's something I never had in my teen years and I think it would be a good way to give to the teens of the next generation.

I don't have a business plan yet, but I'm working on it ^-^

but who knows? it's just a dream.

Bitterness at 2:33 PM

For the all shit that pulled on me every single day,

Just gives me another excuse to blow them away.

For all the hatred and all the pain,

they are the ones who are to blame.

For the noxious remarks and hateful disdain,

for the inadequacy and the stains,

for putrid lies and bitterness,

they will never succeed,

I will make the bleed......

for every last thing they did to me.

Field of paper flowers - a poem at 8:24 PM

For all the things i have done this day

I sit and write and just obey

for every pathetic word that falls from that mouth

for every time she screams and she shouts

I think to myself

why am I here?

what happend to all those things that used to be there?

what happend to the friends full of such love and such care?

what to has happend to her beautiful face?

the happy iridescence that filled this place.

Always alone on the edge of a cliff

for me it is not a curse, but a gift

A way to seperate myself from the world

where I can let my thoughts unwind and unfurl.

Where the all beauty far surpasses

anything that can be found awash in the world's masses

from the purple sun in its deep violet glare

to the summerset blossoms so white and so fair,

I found my happiness in a world unfair.

The Sacrilegious Scorn at 7:09 PM

The world of this day worries me in many ways especially christianity not because of it itself but how it is being presented. And the biggest eyesore is that of christians inability to step forward and speak to the people that need God the most. Have they really forgotten how powerful there enemy really is? do they realize how it is ever growing? or is it not "worthy" of their concern?

(What I say next is not meant to be personalized for each person, I'm speaking about something as a whole)

Right now I am very disgusted with christianity's arrogance and pride thinking they can just walk up to people and "witness" to them, while this may be true for individuals it is not true on a worldwide basis. For most people you have know something about what they themselves believe in before you can try open their eyes, because people in many cases don't want their eyes opened. Basically this is not a job for over zealous bible thumpers out to put a mark on their "spiritual" checklist or on their consciences. It is a job for people who are flexible, people oriented, adaptable and most of all respectful. I think one thing churches don't indoctrine their followers with is that the world has a mind of its on and can make up explanations to almost everything even as the world get "dummer" it is also getting "smarter".

A word of advice to christians most of all, you are not the only religion wanting converts there are THOUSANDS.

SSDD at 5:02 PM

Just another in another week in another year. As far as I know I work, I do schoolwork, and then I play. It makes me feel there's something better I could be doing with my life >.< and I also makes me wish my mind was more poetic and sensible but [to my great misfortune] its not.... I spend my days listening to music and daydreaming of something better, like walking under the Eiffel Tower or riding a gondola through venice...not sitting in a stinking house with people I less than get along with.

Yeah and what happens next is people will tell me to get off my ass and do something, sad point is I can't [yet] because the "job" market isn't really open...you can thank that to your lovely president and his war....I really don't care what the governments idea for it was but the sad part of it is, its costing me to be American. Yeah its a cool country, but when I have plenty of experiance and I'm a hard worker it still doesn't mean shit right now. Unless you've had a paying job before you apply you usually wont get hired.

Not so clear at 4:24 PM

I don't know what has happend to me, this deep hatred that has bred in me for so long still seems to be biding its time. I can never forgive mom and dad for what they did and I can let this all pass undefined, I will not be denied the love that I long for. I will never let my apathy get the better of me. I know my family can't understand me, After all I'm so far beyond their reach and control. They have blinded themselves to the truth and choose not to see the light. The death that has fallen before my eyes has forever torn me apart from the inside, nobody even can understand that pain yet they continue to think they can...No one ever will be able to even fathom my thoughts, what I love, what I care about. It is not theirs to know.

It is not I who should be apologizing but them who should be begging for forgiveness.

My life is mine, I live to make those I care about happy, therefore nothing I do is in vain. That said if I'm not trying to make the people around me happy I don't care about them. Nothing is stupid or childish for there is no such thing, in all reality we never really "grow up" we just choose not remember that happiness, the joy we found at such simple things like digging in the sand and running in the waves. I never forgot these things and so my love of children has never changed because at heart I have always been a child.

A song at 5:24 PM

"imprisoned, inside this mind

hiding behind the empty smiles

so simple isn't much made

crawling back into the dark

running, always running, into the
distance

stop me before I bleed, again

the echos of my voice follow me down

the shadows I cast

follow me down

deeper i'm falling into the arms of sorrow

blindly decending

into the arms of sorrow

there must be serenity

the echos of my voice

follow me down

the shadows I cast follow me down

deeper i'm falling into the arms of sorrow

blindly decending

into the arms of sorrow

the demons of my own design

this horror must not remain"

The Arms Of Sorrow - Killswitch Engage

Little things at 6:21 PM

I find it sad sometimes that I can't remember many happy times in my childhood I wish I could, Maybe I just forgot but it makes me wonder sometimes...what happend? what is so bad that my mind is blocking it out? I will never know. I try to embrace every day anew but sometimes its difficult when the past embodies itself in someone in your family, always troubling my mind and sometimes.....ruining my day.

I'm happy ^-^ but only because of two little girls that brighten my life, one is my siblings' child and the other is my fiancee.

My neice, always reminding me to find joy in the little things - no matter how silly.

My love, for giving my the support and the love that has kept me alive for almost 4 years. As they say "behind every great man there is a great and loving wife"

Friendship as I learned over the past several years is the only way to survive. I don't know what I can call a person who has no friend other than lonely. Without them life is empty.

Nothing feels more exciting than sharing something you love with another, making memories that last forever.

Jenna Renee S. at 12:26 PM

She's girl, he's boy,
To her he's just a toy.
She's always waiting always wanting love
But when she's gets it, she doesn't accept it
And soon she just up and forgets it.
She is as pale as the morning snow
Her thought's I will never know,
She's always there haunting me,
Telling me how things should be,
The guilt it's killing me,
Please please just kill me I hate this pain
For what I do now there is nothing to gain.
For days and days I sit without rest,
those images of you, of the knife in your chest.
These images of you they make me so lost and confused


So tell me jenna what should I do?


6/3/05

The steady splashing of the rain can take away all our pain.
on the days we feel alone, we wish we could hide and just go home.
I smile at them, but they can't see, how the things they say can really hurt me.
I tell myself that I'm fine and ok. but really on the inside I'm wasting away.
I get on the phone while I lay on the bed, crying and sobbing i feel nothing but dread,

and in such an innocent way. she's asks me quietly "are you ok?"
then she came to me, looked in my eyes and she did not know the reason why, I said to her "It's Kimi my best friend.....she died..and I will never see her again".
I walked outside and laid in the rain,
letting the droplets take away my pain,
drenching my thoughts with every cool, light drop,

It makes me feel strange, like I'm something I'm not.

Black at 1:11 PM

Black swirling twirling all around,
an endless darkness can be found,
painting her lips in a crimson red,
to mortals she's beautiful for an undead,
spinning her webs of dark desires,
her eyes ablaze with undying fire,
she's cold she's heartless a black soul of darkness,
she's take your soul,
and paint it black,
once she finds you
you can never go back,
she'll leave you screaming
and make you wish you were only dreaming,
to sad to realize your dead!

May at 1:18 PM

As the winter wanes, As life rebirths,

A new season of change and hurt,

When love blooms there is joy,

but this world is evil and seeks to destroy,

every time we make a mistake,

every lie we choose to say, to give and to take,

is a hurtful thought and a fake,

burning us inside

we wish we didn't hide,
we wish we could take it back and throw it away,
and for a moment we find forgiveness in May.